Why is rejection so painful?

Rejection is a universal experience that everyone faces at some point in their lives. Whether it's a romantic partner turning down a date, a job application being denied, or not being selected for a university, the experience of being rejected can be incredibly painful. This hurt feeling relies on perceiving a threat to one of the most fundamental human needs, belonging. And what remains the most exciting aspect, at least for me, is that the same regions of the brain that process physical pain also process social pain, which means that rejection can activate the same neural pathways as physical pain, leading to a possible explanation of why rejection can be so painful not only emotionally but also physically. 

Rejection can take different forms. It could be explicit, through a declaration that someone is not wanted or through exclusion or, more subtle, through ostracism which refers to acting as if someone does not exist. However, whatever forms it takes, a central theme within all these rejection-related experiences is the perception of threat to a fundamental human need for acceptance and belonging. Acceptance from others remains an important factor of individual well-being, and not surprisingly, different studies, which induce rejection through different paradigms, suggest that threats to this essential human need cause a wide range of negative emotions such as sadness, anger, shame, hurt and loneliness (Buckley et al., 2004).

But why is it so important? Through an evolutionary lens, achieving a sense of acceptance and belonging is necessary for survival and reproduction. However, although the need to belong is long rooted in human evolution, recent studies also highlight that identification within a group creates a vital resource that enhances and protects individual well-being. For instance, research suggests that a sense of belonging to multiple groups is positively associated with resilience (White et al., 2020). Thus, although today we have modern conveniences that help humans survive physically, we still rely heavily on social groups for our general well-being, making rejection a painful experience.

Although, as we have seen, different emotions are associated with rejection-related experiences, hurt feelings may be the signature emotion associated with rejection, not simply as a blend of a wide range of emotions but as a distinctive negative emotion. Referring to pain when talking about hurt feelings is not only a metaphor.

Eisenberger and colleagues (2006) attest that " as far as your brain is concern, a broken heart is not so different from a broken arm" (In American psychological association, 2012). Throughout an induce rejection experiment, they found that social rejection activates many brain pathways involved in processing physical pain, including the dorsal anterior cingulate and the anterior insula.

What is more, Eisenberger’s statement might be accurate...

Kross and colleagues (2011), through an fMRI brain scan of individuals who recently experienced an unwanted breakup, the part of the brain associated with processing physical pain lit up, giving new meaning to the idea that rejection “hurts” by demonstrating that rejection and physical pain they both share a common somatosensory representation in the brain.

However, rejection also serves as a clue for later interactions. After the initial pain of rejection, most people move into an appraisal stage where new information about such experience becomes wired into the brain formulating new ways of behaviour for later encounters. Nevertheless, not taking rejection too personally is an insidious task but healthier. For instance, after rejection seeking out positive social interactions help to release opioids naturally, covering our perception of pain and boosting our feelings of pleasure. Thus, “Next time you get passed over for a job or dumped by a romantic partner, it may help to know that the sting of rejection has a purpose. That knowledge may not take away the pain, but at least you know there’s a reason for the heartache. “Evolutionarily speaking, if you’re socially isolated, you’re going to die..... It’s important to be able to feel that pain.” (Weir, 2012).

Further reading:

Buckley, K. E., Winkel, R. E., & Leary, M. R. (2004). Reactions to acceptance and rejection: Effects of level and sequence of relational evaluation. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 40, 14 –28.

Eisenberger, N. I., Jarcho, J. M., Lieberman, M. D., & Naliboff, B. D. (2006). An experimental study of shared sensitivity to physical pain and social rejection. Pain, 126(1-3), 132–138. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pain.2006.06.024

Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., & Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 108(15), 6270–6275. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1102693108

Weir, K. (2012.). The pain of social rejection. Science watch. https://www.apa.org. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection

White, C. A., Slater, M. J., Turner, M. J., & Barker, J. B.. (2021). More positive group memberships are associated with greater resilience in Royal Air Force (RAF) personnel. British Journal of Social Psychology, 60(2), 400–428. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjso.12385